?

Log in

Such · a · pretty · girl · Happy · in · an · ugly · place


i think it's getting better in the worst way

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *

A little over 2 years ago, almost 25 months if I were to age it like a toddler, I was hit by an inattentive driver in an SUV while riding my bicycle into the office.

This happened on September 11th, so it’s really easy to remember.

There are a lot of things that happened to me in the aftermath of this wreck: my bicycle and work computer were damaged, I acquired some gnarly contusions and road rash, but the farthest reaching of these physical things is that I sustained a concussion that has dramatically reshaped my life.

On September 11th, 2013 at 9:40am I was in the best shape of my life. I was in a stable, very happy relationship that was just coming out of the “newly wed” period. I had recently had surgery to fix a congenital defect in my jaw and had just gotten my braces removed (I was still wearing the retainer 24/7). I was biking 15 miles a week on average and running around 9, completing some of my first 5ks; I was getting ready to run my first one with my husband in a few weeks. I had recently lost about 50lbs, finally bringing myself back to a healthy weight. I was volunteering with the Girl Scouts regularly as a troop leader. I was kicking ass at work, taking on high profile projects.

And in a split second, all of that vanished. I was a broken girl bleeding onto the asphalt, dress flipped up over her head and shoes thrown across the road, partially underneath an SUV as the driver jumped out screaming at me for “not paying attention” when I had the light to cross the intersection and he turned directly into me. I’m still not sure how I ended up underneath his truck, as there were my hand prints on his hood where I had gone over it.

It happened in slow motion, as these things tend to. The light turned for me as I was half a block away, the SUV was sitting in the intersection not moving. I entered the intersection and the SUV was still sitting there, having not moved an inch. I had just crossed the yellow line, almost safely to the other side when he began to turn. I saw the hood of his truck coming right for me and all I could think was “well, this is how I die,” along with a whole string of things I hadn’t gotten accomplished. I looked down as his bumper neared my foot, still stuck firmly in the clip on my pedal as I was still frantically trying to make it across. There was a brief flash of white and I woke up underneath his truck, with my arms wrapped around my head. I was terrified if I didn’t die that my jaw would break again, since it hadn’t quite been a year since the surgery I had on it.

The paramedics came and bandaged me up. They checked my head, but since I hadn’t hit it on anything and there were no sore spots or bruising/abrasions on it they told me I didn’t have to go into the hospital. I exchanged insurance information with the driver, he was ticketed, my husband came to pick up me and my broken bicycle and I headed into work. I was sore and scattered from what I thought was adrenaline, but I needed to check some of those outstanding items off my to-do list before the next day. I have been in many car accidents, I know the second day is the worst day in terms of pain. I took the next day off, but went in on Friday. I was still a little confused and dizzy, and 2 days out I thought it likely wasn’t adrenaline.

Did you know you can get a concussion without hitting your head at all? Just your brain sloshing around in your skull is enough to do it.

My doctor practically yelled at me to go to the ER immediately. I did and had many an xray taken. Nothing was broken “just” a concussion. This concussion ended up turning into post-concussion syndrome which meant that every single day I woke up violently nauseated and dizzy for almost a solid year and a half. My regular doctor put me under the care of a neurologist who monitored the nerve damage in my legs as it corrected itself and the extreme vertigo.

At some point as my body began to heal, my psychological state began to rapidly deteriorate. I was having trouble falling asleep, and when I would I’d be plagued with violent nightmares. It got to the point where I could barely even get out of bed. I ended up being referred to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist where I began an intense 18 month EMDR program as well as various prescriptions to help treat my PTSD and major depression. As that started to improve, and I could at least sleep like a normal person again, my body once again began to have issues. I’ve been told by my medical team that this sort of back and forth of physical and psychological maladies is pretty common.

Regrettably, what popped up was debilitating migraines. Do you know what a 3 month long migraine feels like? Because I do. I had a span of 3 months where I think I had 1 or 2 headache-free days and I ended up hospitalized and giving demorol shots, which did absolutely nothing to help. I spent most of the last bit of 2014 and the first half of 2015 in my dark bedroom, shades drawn, chained to my bed in near constant, horrible pain. It hasn’t done much for my mental state, although I’ve tentatively “graduated” from therapy. For the past 6 months or so I’ve been getting Botox injections for my migraines and they’ve made it significantly better, I’m only getting 3-4 per month now, but it’s not perfect and now my eyebrows don’t move correctly. I don’t like the changes in my face at all, which is doubly problematic because I was still getting used to my “new face” after jaw surgery.

Since the accident due to the vertigo and then migraines, I’ve been almost completely unable to exercise, meaning I’ve gained a significant amount of weight. I’ve effectively cancelled out all of the weight I spent such a long time losing. I used to be so proud of all the things my body could do, but now it can’t do anything for vast stretches of time but lay prostrate. I’m very down on myself for having gained back all this weight I swore to myself I would never gain back. I’m down on myself because my face is a different shape now from the surgery, and my eyebrows are frozen like Barbie. I can’t do anything, I can’t even emote correctly anymore. I don’t feel like I can take pleasure in anything my body does anymore, like I’m just a brain trapped in some horrible flesh bag that just hurts all the time and is weird and ugly and borderline alien.

As one could imagine, this amount of trauma and sickness hasn’t exactly been very kind to my relationship with my husband, nor any of my friends. I’ve just disappeared into a little cave, my world restricting further and further. Much like a light on a dimmer, the glow becoming smaller and weaker until it clicks off because there’s not enough power. It’s very isolating to have so much of who I am not shaped by this wreck. I don’t want to talk about it all the time but it’s seemingly all I can talk about if I meet up with friends, because it was a major event: my life is now classified pre-wreck and post-wreck. It’s isolating even though my husband has lived through it with me, because most of the ways I suffer are invisible, I can’t expect him to really understand what it is I am going through because I think on some level you can’t know unless you’ve been there. Can you really relate to the trauma of almost having your life ripped away without having experienced that same thing? I’m sure you can agree that it’s terrible, but can you really know how terrible if you haven’t spent every day of 2 years having it limit your life, deny you sleep, cause you pain, change your body?

So I’m soldiering on because I have to believe there’s light at the end of the tunnel. That the insurance company will pay my tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills and lost wages from all the freelance gigs I lost because I can’t produce at the capacity I previously could. I have to believe that I’ll someday be made something close to whole.

crossposted from fuzzdecay.com.
* * *

so, i haven’t updated since before i got my braces off. this is me just glossing over the fact that i was hit by a car while biking to work about 4 months ago because i’m personally tired of dealing with the effects of that accident, and if i’m tired of living this concussed life, surely people are tired of hearing about it on my various social media.

instead, i’m going to share with you the story of how i’ve come to possess 3 (soon to be 4) copies of the lord of the rings.

back in 1998, i started high school. i think. yes, it was 1998 and i had to google math that because even pre-concussion i was ass at head math. so, it’s 1998 and i was taking journalism with this youngish teacher named van wyk. i absolutely adored van wyk, he was this wiry, skinny, vaguely dangerously russian looking, what i would now refer to as a hipster, dude. i have no idea why he was teaching highschool in my podunk hometown, but my life is better for it.

i used to stay after school in van wyk’s room until my mom would come pick me up. he’d grade papers and talk to me as i, i’m sure, dazzled him with the incredibly deep things i thought about as a teenager, which looking back on i cringe. i’m pretty sure everyone knows what i’m talking about, that stage where you obviously have discovered the world for the first time and no one has ever thought the thoughts you were thinking right then.

anyway, one afternoon he told me i should really read lord of the rings becuase he was positive i’d like it and there was a movie being made so i should read it before the movie spoiled the book.

that year i asked for lord of the rings and got it for christmas. i am about to show the world pictures of this book that will probably make librarians cry. i’m going to preface this sorry display by saying 1. i’ve read this book 20+ times by this point, and 2. i know it was probably a bad idea to read a book of this magnitude 20+ times while bathing (but dammit, bath time makes for the best reading time). please don’t hunt me down and murder me for crimes against literature.

i actually found the dust jacket for this copy while visiting my mom for the holidays this year. it doesn't look so bad from this angle.

tim's reaction to me finding the dust jacket: "well it's a bit fucking late for that"

the spine is broken, the back cover not even attached. an entire signature has fallen out.

i mean, look at this shit. i....

...am so...

... ashamed.

for reference, that's my waterlogged copy next to a brand new copy. i think that's approaching the thickness of a george r.r. martin book now.

So for xmas, my loving husband bought me what is now going to be known as the “non-bathtub copy” of lotr. it’s the fancy 50th anniversary edition.

leather cover, slipcase, foil stamping (!!!)

y crazy fold out 2 color map of middle earth! it also have full color illustrations inside. not sure how many/who by. i only caught the pages from the book of mazarbul on a cursory flip through.

this was my xmas present to myself, i've wanted this alan lee illustrated edition for literally forever after learning that a lot of the frames from the movie were pulled directly from illustrations in this edition.

i didn't realize that this was the "centennial edition" it's by far my earliest edition. i'm looking forward to reading it through and maybe spotting some editing inconsistencies.

look! it's almost exactly the scene from the movie where frodo and sam capture gollum. except frodo doesn't have dreamy eyes.

so yeah, for those people who aren’t privy to my ridiculous tolkein geekery, you know someone who owns three copies of lord of the rings, you’ll never be cool simply by association.

 

crossposted from fuzzdecay.com.
* * *

in a month, i’ll be through most of the unpleasantness that has defined my life for the past 2 years. i am thankful that i have a good job and awesome friends, because i don’t think i could have made it through some of it without knowing that at least that part of my life is good. that’s not to say i haven’t been unbelievably angry at basically everyone i’m in the middle of a transaction with at the moment, but it’s been manageable.

so today as i was pulling into my building after staying late at work, i came to the realization that i am a good person. i’ve never really believed that about myself because i’m also a fairly awful person. i say terrible things all the time and have a tendency to skew negative. i’m just going to assume not believing that i’m inherently good is an extension of my lack of self esteem and the continuous low levels of emotional abuse i suffered as a child. i didn’t think that people in general were inherently good, and i sure as hell thought that i wasn’t worthy of being a “good” person.

but i realized today that you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows to be a good person. when shit gets bad, i am always there for people. i am very reliable, it was always a selling point with my freelance clients that i’m not a flakey artist. I am also very giving, almost to a fault, when people i am close to need me. Whether it’s because i need to step in and help in some material way or just volunteer some time to talk something out, everyone i’m close to knows that i’m good for it. I volunteer a fair amount as well, which isn’t completely selfless as it’s rewarding, but it’s a thing that “good people” tend to do.

i think most of my negative traits stem from the fact that i have a very strong sense of social justice. i am easily angered by people being wronged and i tend to not forget it. I hold grudges until i feel as though the universe has repaid the shitty behavior. if it’s not something i can fix, i internalize that outrage and that tends to manifest itself in being snarky and saying negative things. most of my glorious thoughts of violent restitution stem from this as well, although i very rarely act on them, unless it’s traffic related. i will 100% beat on a car if the person is being an idiot. i would say the remaining negative aspects of my personality stem from the fact that i don’t suffer fools gladly.

so, other than the fact that i can’t deal with the willfully ignorant, i believe most of my behaviors are driven by a desire to do good. eventhough some of these actions aren’t necessarily considered things that good people do, they come from a good place and therefore i can now believe that i am a good person.

crossposted from fuzzdecay.com.
* * *

Since the last time i posted, i got the okay from my dr to drop the ridiculously restrictive part of my diet where i couldn’t eat ANY starch or high glycemic fruits. I’m now on a straight paleo diet (including some natural sweeteners, i.e. honey, agave nectar, maple syrup) with a “cheat day” every 10-14 days that I have been using to add in foods. So right now, i’m eating paleo with occasional goat cheese, because i seem to be able to handle goat cheese.

However, i 100% canNOT handle corn. I ate some gluten free bread that had corn starch in it and my throat got tight. However, it also had rice flour in it, so I wasn’t sure what caused my throat reaction. A little while later, i ate a piece of scallop that had been sitting on top of corn and had corn juice on it and the same thing, my throat started closing up.

That sort of put me off working in new foods for a while. My dr said that i may very well only be allergic to GMO corn, and that i should try some heirloom organic corn if i feel up to it, but i don’t know if i want to chance my fucking throat closing up.

I recently tried ice cream, and i now believe that my 4 month break from dairy has rendered me lactose intolerant. i didn’t have a real allergic reaction other than my nose running a bit (which happened with the goat cheese and eventually stopped), but the stomach badness… ugh. Also, I still get pretty bad headaches when i eat refined sugar. i’m not sure if i’m ever going to be able to handle it.

I’ve gotten pretty used to the diet. It’s better now that i have coconut ice cream and can bake again. it’s sort of making tim’s life hell, which is an issue. but i feel like if it didn’t bother tim so much that i could probably keep this up long term.

i’ve lost around 40 lbs in 4 months. according to my personal trainer, i lost around 1% body fat, but he thinks that’s a bit inaccurate based on my results. I hit my goal weight back in August, but not my goal size. my weight loss has slowed down significantly since june, but i’m trying to not focus on my weight as much anymore since i’m within healthy BMI now.

my wedding ring is much too big now

I started training with the couch 2 5k program. My trainer cleared me for running since he worked some magic on my knee and it no longer hurts. It does still pop occasionally, so i’m having to take c25k pretty slowly to not damage it. i’m up to week 4 day 2, halfway through the program. I’m run/walking a little over 2 miles  at a 13 minute mile currently. i seem to default to running a 10-11 minute mile. i’m hoping to train to run a half marathon next year. we’ll see how that goes.

my other fitness goal is to be able to do a pullup. i have a LONG way to go there. i tried to do one and just… no. wasn’t happening.

 

crossposted from fuzzdecay.com.
* * *

Well i don’t seem to have done anything on here except whine about not being able to eat for a while. Here’s a change of pace.

Tim and I have a tendency to travel a lot. This year seems to be a relatively slow one since I’ve been trying to save up my PTO for looming surgery. Here are some pictures of trips we’ve been on starting in April.

Part of the KAWS exhibit at the High

Some of the new contemporary art at the High, these both were from a trip to see the from picasso to warhol exhibit

Camping with my girlscout troop

Skipping rocks

Archery, which was sort of terrifying for me to witness.

Rapids in the valley near the camp

Hiking back from the valley

Ending the day with some canoeing

Not a trip, but Gordon enjoying some Easter candy

The next weekend after camp, we went up to Canada for a wedding. Beforehand, we stopped at Dairy Delite in Tim's home town all dressed up.

The wedding venue in Toronto

Gordon looking majestic at Port Dover

Riding around Brantford with my SIL and Gordon, who is very enamoured with her.

After our trip to Canada, we rode back to Atlanta with the inlaws, who were coming to spend a week in Atlanta.

Gordon giving my FIL inappropriate kisses

At the Shaker Village at Pleasant Hill

Cute old seed boxes

Gordon making friends with the goats

Tim forcing Gordon to be friends with the mules, Gordon did not like at all.

Gordon interested by fluffy bulls

Gordon sitting on the main road through the village

Tim enjoying comic books in the startlingly white room we stayed in.

Goodbye to the shaker village

We went to the Aquarium with the inlaws while they were down.

Happy albino alligator at the aquarium. We also had the displeasure of watching the dolphin show while we were there. HUGE mistake.

Mid-May brought the Zelda symphony, which was fucking incredible.

The view from our seats, right behind the sound tech.

Tim, ever-dapper, wore a jacket, jeans, and a mario shirt

Some cos players after the event. Majora's Mask, Epona, and Midna.

Skyward Sword cosplayers

Early June brought IMPACT day at work. Each year, everyone in the company spends a day doing community service work. I went to Oakland cemetery to do work on their grave database.

This is Jack, the dog of one of the gardening volunteers. He was so much bigger than Gordon is!

View from my computer of the cemetery and my office in the background

And last Friday was our fiscal year end outing at work. We all went bowling together.

Socializing before the bowling started

That pretty much catches everyone up to this weekend, which was a nice, lazy one.

crossposted from fuzzdecay.com.
* * *

i’m in slightly better spirits than I was last time I updated. I have approximately a week until I visit my doctor again, and hopefully i’ll be able to start adding food back into my diet.

In a couple of days, i have an orthodontist appointment. he should (finally) give me some sort of date for when my surgery can happen. By that, I mean, he should release my treatment to the surgeon. I’m still waiting to hear back from my insurance company regarding whether they’ll cover it or not. I want these brackets off my teeth SO FUCKING BAD. Come on, ortho, please release me.

Not that the braces come off until 6ish months after surgery. I’m hoping against hope that i have them off by the end of the year. I’m really tired of my year in a chrysalis.

I have yet to build back up to where i was in regards to exercise. I’m getting better, though. Last month I did a 37 mile charity bike ride with my husband. It sounded like a much better idea before i caught bronchitis the week before the ride. I was doing alright until my lungs started giving out 35ish miles in.

geared up for a long ride

I still haven’t really started going back to group classes at the gym. I did my first group class last friday. I had to go in early on friday because we had our end of fiscal year party, which meant we all left at 2 to go bowl for a couple of hours. since i got in at 8am instead of 10am, i felt alright about going to zumba. I always want to do zumba, but it’s at 11:15, and i’d feel like a shitheel working for an hour and then taking lunch.

Even though I haven’t been taking classes like I used to, I’ve still been going to the gym 2-3 days a week during lunch and almost every day after work. The days i don’t go to the gym during lunch, i walk about 2 miles with the girls. I have noticed that if I bike to work, i can’t also do 2 hardcore workouts at the gym that day. Hitting physical limits like that sooner than I used to still bums me out, but i’m doing a little better at taking it in stride.

I bit the bullet and hired a personal trainer. I’m doing one 30 minute session with him per week for the next little while. He says that I’m stronger than I think that I am, and that my muscle balance is more even than most women he has trained. (yay for working my arms so heavily?) but my balance and core strength is pretty shit, and my knee issues are going to make training difficult. One of the things we’re going to focus on is balancing the muscles in my legs to hopefully help the popping/random knee pain issue.

I’ve still been going to ballet most saturdays. i think i’m getting marginally better. my barre work isn’t as sad as it once was. My center work is still pretty awful. I did manage to finally do a full pirouette and land it properly yesterday, which is a much bigger deal to me than it sounds like. Last weekend I had some drama with the substitute teacher where she basically told me that I sucked and should drop down to a slower class. However, my regular teacher was back this week and apparently i’m doing well enough to bother correcting my mistakes, so suck it other teacher.

I recently found a few good paleo recipe blogs, which have recipes pretty close to what I can eat (i usually just have to take out sweetener). One of my current favorites is paleomg , where i got a nice recipe for blueberry muffins. almond and coconut flour is keeping me sane right now. I missed quick breads so much.

mostly just eggs, almonds, and blueberries.

I need to update my mordor tracker and tack it on down here. I’m awful about that thing. I’m definitely past rivendell, now! oh, and since lego has started making lotro sets, i’ve decided that whenever I pass a place where a set is, i will buy it and make it. Next set, moria!

crossposted from fuzzdecay.com.
* * *

Previous