alicia (fuzzdecay) wrote,

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i'm decided that i kinda like not sleeping but 3 hours a day.

if i sleep 3 hours, drink a lot of coffee, and spin around... it's exactly like being plastered, but without the liver damage, and with the added bonus of mild auditory hallucinations! (i get shitloads of tiny hallucinations on a regular basis... but that's an entirely different lj entry)

i realize that this isn't exactly the best thing i could be doing to my body... but for the past 3 days i've been eating popsicles for breakfast. i obviously don't give a shit.

i seriously am more creative when i'm horridly sleep deprived. i think that's why my final projects are often brilliant. my presentations of said final projects are awful though.

when sleepy i tend to speed up a lot and ramble. about anything that pops in my head. i know that it doesn't come across well in type... but my speech actually accelerates (to a pace most people would call normal... i fucking hate my accent) and my hands get "flingy".

i talk with my hands a lot. especially when i'm excited. i like wave my hands really fast... it's kinda hard to explain really... so i just call it "flingy".

see? i'm rambling. about shit that no one gives a shit about.

oh! i posted piccys of the giant starfruit of doom on my cam. i also have a couple of them full sized on my deviant art account. that starfruit is truly impressive.

i think the geometry class i skipped to buy my airport card was my midterm.... oh well. he might have pushed it back because we missed that one week because of mlk day. meh... it doesn't matter. i'm sure i'll pass even if i did fail the midterm.

you know... i feel sorry for the people that are reading this.... because i'm just letting my brain vomit.

i feel like there are hundreds of little sensations and thoughts i experience in every single day that i need to record. i don't want to lose anything. i don't want to forget. i feel a need to document everything. i don't know exactly why, maybe it's because i'm scared to be forgotten,... maybe it's in case i get famous one day.... i dunno. but it is a need.

it's coming up on 4 years i've been doing this, putting my entire life up on the internet. it'll be 4 years on valentine's day. it's weird reading back. i've changed so profoundly... and you know... 4 years isn't that long of a time for so much stuff to have happened.

i can barely see the progression if i just think back to how i was when i was 15. but if i actually read back it's like "damn i was an idiot."

i had this martyr complex, seriously. and i was so desperately depressed. and lonely. everything was negative. i was.... angsty *rolleyes*. but oh... did i think i was so adult.

i wasn't. i realize that now.

and i also realize that in 4 years i'll look back and see that i was an idiot now. i suppose that's the way things go.

all these little things that mean so much to me now, will probably never mean this much to me ever again.

i really don't like thinking that. i'd like to think that i'll always appreciate all the little things that no one else notices. because it's these things that keep me happy. it's the last bit of naivety i have, and god damn do i cling to it.

i don't want to let go of the wonder that was my childhood. when everything was crisp and undiscovered. when every day i learned something that completely changed the way i thought. when i tasted color.

i fear that if i let the world take this last bit of that from me, that i shall surely just wither away. i don't want to think of me being able to live soulless and empty and be perfectly happy with it.

i never want to be complacent.
Tags: art school, becoming an adult, geekery, self exploration, wistful musings about the past

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