alicia (fuzzdecay) wrote,

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i surround myself with these people online and off, that i talk to everyday.

when these people aren't there becaue they're sick, or asleep, or at school/work, or vacationing, or their girlfriends are bitchy... i have no fucking idea what to do. it completely throws off what little routine i have.

i live my life pretty randomly. there isn't a set time i go to bed, nor a set time i wake up. there are days i see the sunrise immediately followed by days that i don't see the sun at all. sometimes i forego sleep all together and become possessed with insomiac insanity. sometimes i just can't wake up and spend 20 hours in bed.

i don't always go to class, and when i do go to class, my classes never start at the same time. once i overslept by seven fucking hours.

i don't eat on any set schedule. i don't eat any set number of meals a day. sometimes i won't eat at all and then the next day i'll eat everything in sight.

i try not to plan things. so, people will call me, randomly, and i'll just leave. it's really a wonderful way to live. everything is completely sporatic and random. i like this. i, in fact, thrive on it.

nothing gets me down quite as much as having a set schedule.

i like just.... flowing through my day...experiencing everything.... feeling everything. i dunno how obvious it is to the people i surround myself with, but, i'm constantly cataloguing all my little experiences. it's not the conversations i'm storing, it's tactile things.... and tiny glimpses of things that i wouldn't otherwise see... and the play of the light on surfaces... not the words, but the sounds.... not the laughter, but the particular curl of a lip... tiny things really... tiny things that i'm sure would freak out the people i hang out with, that i pay that kind of attention to tiny mannerisms.

it's not some weird obsession thing. i just delight in that split second that someone slips and lets something show that they've been holding back and hiding from everyone. i like to feel the tension between two people... i like to just watch people, how they interact... it's fascinating to me.

i like to get into other people's heads. to disect. to analyze.... to devour.

i want to know everything, see everything, feel everything.... experience everything. i want to savour every second of my life. i want every single bit filled doing something i'm absolutely passionate about. i'm determined to make my life one long hedonistic romp.

i think it's sad that i'm 1/5th of the way through my life and i still dunno who i am yet. i don't know where i fit in. i suppose i never really will fit in... i'm so spread out. i'm passionate about hundred of things, some contradict eachother... others are just odd. there's just not a niche for "art students who are addicted to the internet who are doing design, but are undecided as to what type yet, so they do webdesign to scrape by, that also enjoy ripping apart their lives for all the world to see, and also like posting repetitive pictures for random net people to gawk at, who love living in a large city, it was their dream, but now that they're here they miss the quiet of an abandoned beach, who love dozens of people and want to fix all their problems but are aloof and bitchy to everyone not on the inside, who are random and floating and want nothing more than to be tethered and have something reliable, but will then resent whoever tires to tether them, who are incredibly wordy but fancy themselves concise, who love minimalism and vintage punk, who hate conformists and yet drinks starbucks and watches martha stuart because of the good design of her magazines, who believe that aesthetics are everything and yet manage to not be completely shallow".

that was the biggest run-on sentence evar.
Tags: friends, self exploration

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