alicia (fuzzdecay) wrote,

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weird shit

well.... i can't fucking sleep. some fucked up shit happened to me about an hour ago. so i resurrected my real journal. you know, the paper one that i really write in, like, with a pen? where i write the shit that i don't want any of you people to know but i still need to let out. i thought i was gonna let it die after my senior year and all that retarded drama was over, but i was wrong. there are good things that are worth writing about that i don't have to candy coat for someone else to read. it now is truly my private journal.

i think my grandma is indeed human now. she was craving physical contact today. i have never before witnessed that woman hug anyone. it was kinda disturbing. she spilled her heart out to me and i wanted to believe that i was listening to an old woman who had finally learned the error of her ways, but i couldn't shake the thought that she was probably just trying to get me to pity her so i would be more vulnerable and she could maybe manipulate me into staying. it's horrible that i have to think that way about my own grandmother. it's honestly sad that my family is so dysfunctional. I think she finally realizes that i'm leaving for good, and that i'm never coming back. i think it scares her that i've finally gotten the strength to get away from her like none of her children did. i sound like such a callous bitch right now. i don't care. i know it's justified.

like i thought, my worrying was for nothing. :) i'm a retard.
Tags: boyfriends past and present, family, moving off to college, psychotic grandma

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