One of the ladies I’m blessed to share some square footage of carpet with 8 hours a day is pregnant. She was obviously desperate to have a child. She never said anything, but everyone in the office instinctually knew.
She announced her pregnancy when she was 5 weeks. No one announces their pregnancy that early. 20% of pregnancies spontaneously abort before 13 weeks, and then you look like an attention-starved idiot. Her premature announcement caused everyone to start mocking her by sticking out their stomachs and announcing that they were 2 days pregnant. She was none-the-wiser.
My now-defunct work buddy and I were walking during a break later that day and we both commented that it felt like someone in the office was pregnant. It’s hard to explain exactly how we could tell, but we definitely could. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that all the women here are synced up. Regardless, work buddy thought that it was me and I thought that it was her. We were both hoping it wouldn’t be pregnant coworker because we knew what kind of shenanigans would be pulled. Oh, and we were right.
She started “showing” the day after she announced her pregnancy. I’m under the impression that she thought, “Well, I’m pregnant, no need to continue to suck in my gut.” You don’t start showing at 5 weeks, the embryo is the size of a pea and has just barely settled in. She switched to wearing maternity clothes at 6 weeks.
Desperate for attention, she attempts to bait everyone into conversation about her developing fetus. When no one allows her to bait them, she just starts talking to herself about it! “Oh, I’m so tired! I can’t think straight! Oh, I want chicken but the smell of chicken makes me sick. Maybe I’ll just have some cake then. Baby loves cake! Oh, what was I just saying?” All of her mutterings to herself are that cyclical and that incoherent. I think the placenta is attached to her brain.
As I predicted, she started missing work incessantly. Not that she was at work much to begin with; there was constantly something happening that she’d need to leave work for. But after she announced her pregnancy, it was constant. 2-3 doctor’s visits a week, and she started screening daycare centers when she was 8 weeks, which required half a day off each time. Then came the “Oh, I’m so tired. I can’t work past 4:30″. I’m expecting her to make it to about her 5th month and then go on extended maternity leave.
She’s now 15 weeks. She actually went to some voodoo guy to wave a fucking locket over her stomach and tell her what the sex of her baby is because she can’t wait a week for her ultrasound. Voodoo guy announced that she was having twins, so now she’s running around the office telling anyone who will listen that she’s having twins.
Luckily, as one of the childless people in the office, I don’t have to listen to her banter directly. However, my desk is in a central location and I hear everything that goes on in the office, so I have to hear her banal stories repeated over and over to everyone else as they walk away from her.crossposted from fuzzdecay.com.