and so the rush to finish my portfolio begins in earnest. i have no time to do anything and i know if my john were around i'd be tempted to give him my undivided attention so maybe it's a hidden blessing that he must work. i still miss him an insane amount though. i don't care how stupid it sounds. i'm in the art room at school listening to some dv015 as i type this. it's not all that bad of a place to be. i need to be working on my art though. i have 2 more works to finish in 3 more days. i've been thinking back to my stasis last year at this time. i've changed a lot to myself. i've used a lot of people to grow as a person and though i'm not advocating that it had to be done. i have no regrets. i'd feel stupid if i did because i'm higher now than i have ever been. my opa was right all those years ago when he compared life to my mother's rose garden. i hope one day to have that sort of insight but never to end the daily discoveries i currently make. what would life be without things to be unearthed everyday? finally contentment is mine. i think that's ultimately why i've almost ceased to update my journal. cab's right, i only put bad things in here and since my life isn't going so bad i don't have as much to write about and i hate wasting time writing for no reason. soon i will look back on this year completely for better or for worse. i'll definitely post on vd again. i couldn't read back and then not post my ponderings. here's my happy vd quote of the day "suffocate your lover". lates.