Such · a · pretty · girl · Happy · in · an · ugly · place

been listening to old music.... like... highschool music. i don't remember what people look like anymore. except the people i have piccys of (which are glued to my speakers): april, dolsen, tim, jeremy, adrienne, kevin, melanie, nikki, lacey, and carmen. i remember what jade and jared look like too.... and chase... chase chase. but that's it. douglas is fading from my memory more quickly than i'd have thought. i miss the friends i have there. i wonder if i'll ever have friends that i'm that close to anymore. people that i can tell anything to and know that 9234283758935789980 people won't know all my shit tomorrow. i've fallen out of touch with every single person. except the random fluffy kitties in the email from jadey butt. or the random "i got a piece of ass" ramble from jeremy. or the bimonthly calls from dolsen. april was like my best chick friend. where is she?

i never thought i'd miss them like i do. i never knew how hard it is to not know anyone. nobody to hang out with and share inside jokes with when shawn's not around. no one to whippit with in the walmart parking lot and think the cops are after us only to have one of us left there and the rest of us freaking out. no one to ride around with drunk singing incredibly off key to icp and ruining people's buzzes. none of the skipping lunch adventures. none of the chase chase chase.... or is there? nothing but memories. good and bad.

there's so much stuff i should have done before i left. there's so much stuff i should have avoided doing before i left. i can't change it though. i can't go back in time and go to tim's going away party. i can't go back and spend a day with april last summer. i can't go back and when jade gave me my little mermaid tape back tell her how good of a friend i thought she was eventhough we didn't know eachother that long. i can't go back and hug everyone again for one last time.

i can't tell now if anyone even misses me. i doubt they even know i feel like this. i keep telling everyone i'm happy here.... and i am, but i dunno.... sometimes shit just gets to me. like listening to old music and gluing piccys on my speakers.

but i am happy, i am.