alicia (fuzzdecay) wrote,
alicia
fuzzdecay

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A freight train to the right feeling that sting of pride
It's fucking with me it's fucking with you
All's fair in love and war until you say it isn't but you're wrong
Words on the back of flyers my clothes are in the dryer
It means nothing, nothing is changing
La familia is dead and gone the children grew up and moved on

Is it too much ask for the things to work out this time
I'm only asking for what is mine
I wanted everything I got it now
I'm gonna throw it away, yeah

Prime select and a box of glazed
Pulling fly-bys on days when we were young and innocent
Elbow drop sundays when mark eaton got beat to shit
Laughing at the bands we hate all the spots we used to skate
They're still there but we've gone our own ways
I know it's for the best
but sometimes I wonder will I ever have friends like you again

Is it too much ask for the things to work out this time
I'm only asking for what is mine
I wanted everything I got it now
I'm gonna throw it away, yeah

You're gonna drown in the mess you make
Your self-inflicted hate
You turn your back on the friends you lose
When they don't follow all your rules
But people are what they want to be
They're not lemmings to the sea
Maybe it's time that you looked at yourself
Stop blaming life on someone else
--blink182 lemmings


i recommend you read, as it is a great song. but for my purposes, i'll just pick out a couple of lyrics:

Laughing at the bands we hate all the spots we used to skate
They're still there but we've gone our own ways
I know it's for the best
but sometimes I wonder will I ever have friends like you again

...

Is it too much ask for the things to work out this time
I'm only asking for what is mine
I wanted everything I got it now
I'm gonna throw it away, yeah

when i first moved to atl from d, this is what i felt. i felt that i had finally accomplished my goal, i was the fuck out of douglas. and i was scared that i'd fuck it up and end up back in that little slice of hell. things were too good. my life did a complete 180, i went from being miserable and bored and lonely to being, well, none of those things. this lyric soon passed.

it was the "but sometimes i wonder will i ever have friends like you again" part that stuck with me. i loved my friends down there, they were like my second family, and as soon as i moved away i lost touch although i swore to myself i wouldn't. and i was antisocial at school because i was convinced they were all retarded.

summer quarter rolled around and i met kelly and kat and i realized something very important. people, for the most part, are expendable. nothing was holding me back from replacing my group of friends but me.

sure, i'll never be able to replace some people, especially april and dolsen. oh the things i went through with april and dolsen. <3 both of you. but i can replace a lot of them.

that closeness i felt surely wasn't there or we wouldn't have lost touch.

it saddens me to think about the times i had that i'll never relive: that summer at kevin's, that night in the rain screaming icp with dolsen, that time i bit dane's ass and almost got my earring ripped out when dolsen tackled me, getting my first tat done and having everyone there watching me wimper and drool because of the suckers april so thoughtfully gave me, the pumpkin cheescake at cabbott's house, the santeria/n20 incident, the grad party pre waffle house, that weekend kaci and emmy went to fernandina bathing suit shopping because levi broke up with me and i needed cheering up, all those afternoons spent after school with hunter, that time i kicked tim in the nads while wearing my pornstar boots, the incident that changed the name of my kinky boots to my bitch boots, the leash incident with laura, watching thundercats afterschool and making snickerdoodles and just eating the dough with laura, all those damn prank phone calls that kyle made that one day, the day i met dolsen and he shoved a ballchain up his nose and pulled it out of his mouth, the lunches spent watching bad daytime tv with bethany and company, mrs saylor's little talks, how i'd say fuck in art class and mrs saylor would be like "alicia!!!!" and soon the entire class did it, bobby's drag day, those art classes i took with clint bell before he made it to high school, the freshman festival when it was just me and april, sitting in the field with blake from down the road just drinking and talking about everything, sitting in my "special place", that ufo cabbott and i saw by the haunted house out in alma.

those were good times.

but out of 4 years, that's about it. the rest was just awful. but being away makes me realize exactly how awful it was as well as forget it all and just dwell on the sweet stuff.

i regret some things... the main thing would be getting involved with levi. it distracted me from spending my last year in d where i should have, with my buddies. maybe that relationship was for the best, maybe it wasn't. but i know that right now, i'm happy and if that helped me to get here then i'm glad. i wish i would have spent more time with april, told her how much i loved her and wished for her happiness. i wish that cabbott and i wouldn't have ended the way we did. i wish kevin and i didn't hate eachother for my last year there. i wish i would have spent less time worrying about all the negativity.

soon i'll build good memories with more people. it's a sad fact of growing up, you leave some people behind.

jesus fucking christ this is a long entry.
Tags: becoming an adult, boyfriends past and present, friends, i hate south georgia, self exploration, wistful musings about the past
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